Watching Twilight. With Judy.

This was originally posted by me on a now defunct blog almost five years ago, on July 24, 2010. This post is a commentary on the first Twilight movie as my friend Judit and I watched it for the first time. Now as part of Throw Back Thursday, it gets re-posted.

The thing: I could finish the first paragraph in Bella’s opening narration before she finished the sentence. Not a good sign.

Why would anyone with over a century of life experience want to go back to high school? Isn’t dating someone 100 years younger than you and still a minor illegal?

Edward Cullen would make a perfect AVON lady dealer.  He already wears a full catalogue’s worth of make-up.

It’s evident: Bella stinks. And it’s not only me, who thinks that. Just look at Edward.

11 minutes into the film I already have had 4 negative remarks. Not bad.

Bella does look like a badly cloned Hermione Granger. If you can’t keep your mouth closed, it’s usually not a sign of intelligence, you know.

It takes all of 14 minutes before a male has to assist/help/rescue Bella. (Did you guys know my writing style was masculine?)

They are talking about the weather. This might be the highlight of the film.

Judy says vampires are rude.

20 minutes, 26 seconds: Bella is once again rescued by a male character. This is starting to sound like a Young Women’s manual.

Is everyone, who is not an African-American, cloroxed white? In a way that it’s obvious that it’s make up?

Kristen Stewart reached the heights of Elijah Wood when it comes to acting: she looks permanently tormented.

Once there was an Elder Cullen serving in my branch. He was a light skinned, fair haired missionary. I think from Utah. Or maybe Washington. Hmmmm. Now I wonder.

96 minutes till I can watch the Cube. Mmmm, David Hewlett…

I might  be a zombie. I am attracted to characters with brains. Like Rodney McKay. And yeah, I’m off topic.

After the Cube Judy wants to watch Harry Potter 4. At least one good role for Robert Pattinson for tonight.

Jacob looks like a 5-year-old at the 300th percentile of the growth chart. With professional tooth whitening.  (Keep reading on by clicking below.)

Being in love with a vampire, having a werewolf as a friend. Hm, where have I heard that before? Oh yes, Joss Whedon created this scenario before… Just think of Buffy, Angel and Oz.

A note to Judy: It’s not only vampires who do not greet others. Bella also has serious problems with her manners.

37 minutes: Bella in trouble again! A female hero to the rescue?

38 minutes: Would you have guessed that it wasn’t her awesome self defence skills that saved her?

Fasten your seatbelt! No you fasten your seatbelt!

Bella and Edward need dinner! If Bella becomes Edward’s dinner the story becomes plausible.

Not plausible.

Edward has bad circulation.

I am starting to argue with Bella. Still over an hour left.

Vampires’ eating habits: Not kosher.

Real vampires don’t sparkle in sunlight. They turn to dust.

The tormented vampire with a conscience only looked good when it was played by David Boreanaz.

The soundtrack has redeeming qualities. Firefly’s was still better.

Close your mouth, woman!

Why is Bella’s neck 4 shades darker than her face? Does she never wash it?

Confirmed again: Bella STINKS.

If someone becomes a vampire, in addition to fangs, they get blond highlights in their hair. True or false?

If Anne Rice had written Twilight, Edward would have been turned into dust in his own room. Please, Sister Meyer, stop mocking the most dramatic scene in “Interview with a Vampire”. Thanks.

Did you know that Kristen Stewart has been in over twenty films/tv shows? Neither did I.

The first realistic female: Bella’s mom asking if they practice safe sex.

Bite now! BITE!

OK, so bite ME now, and put me out of my misery.

I love Charlie! I hope he shoots Edward.

Nope.

They play baseball in Jurassic Park.

When someone marks their territory, they do not rub against a tree fully clothed, but raise their leg and pee!

Sister Meyer should read some proper vampire literature. Oh, yeah, I forgot, I wasn’t supposed to read most of those when I was a practicing Mormon either. But then I didn’t write bad blood sucking romances.

31 minutes till The Cube. There is hope.

Oh, yes, you are lame, Bella.

Alice saves the day. I quite liked her pitching. I truly hoped she’d drink from Bella.

I’m not sure I can find words any more. I’m suffocating in syrup. Or is it extreme high blood sugar?

Judy’s cat is puking. Much more fascinating than the film.

The look on Charlie’s face when Edward tells Bella is beautiful when they leave for prom? I need to screenshot that for this entry.

I can’t believe that after 110 years on earth Edward couldn’t find a hairstyle that looks half good on him.

Eternal marriage takes on a whole different meaning after the dance. (Just google Eternal Marriage and Mormonism.)

Judy wants to watch the end credits because of the music. I think I’m gonna make some coffee.

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